A Knife To The Heart
by fortheloveofpiper
Summary: {AU} This story is about the smile we let the world see while inside we are dying a little every day...Piper and Alex have their own struggles but can they deal with each others? (I suck at summaries, bare with me)
1. It's Not Easy

**A/N For a while now I've been wanting to write a kind of angst(y) type of vauseman and I now have the time/motivation to do so. Also I have my other story** _ **I Love College**_ **on wattpad now so I'll be updating, hopefully frequently on both sites. {** dotted lines symbolize change of pov **} Without further ado, buckle your seat belts, and make sure you have an oxygen mask ready to go because this is gonna be one** _ **hell**_ **of a ride.**

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Chapter 1

 _Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain_

 _Hiding the tears that fall like rain._

 _Saying I'm fine, when I'm anything but,_

 _This ache in my soul rips at my gut._

 _My skin is on fire, I burn from within._

 _The calm on my face is an ongoing sin._

 _The world must stay out, I've built up a wall._

 _My fragile lie will collapse should it ever fall._

 _Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years_

 _Until my life is swallowed by unending fears._

 _Waiting for someone to see I wear a mask_

 _And care enough to remove it, is that too much to ask?_

* * *

" _God Piper, you need to think about your future. The successful kids you'll have with the lovely gentleman from the Thompsons family!"_

" _I don't want him, you guys don't know what it's like to be forced into doing things you never wanted to do. I'm_ _ **24**_ _-I'm an adult… why do you still feel the need to control me!" I yelled back, clenching my fists together whilst my father and mom sat at the table across from me._

 _The walls were starting to close in slowly and everything went small with the exception of my parents…no-they grew_ _ **bigger**_ _. I was just a speck compared to them. As they grew and I shrunk, my dad reached across the table, the only thing that was dividing us. The events happening around me felt all too familiar, I had a sense of what he was going to do next. Automatically I rose my hands up, wrapping them around my head hoping it would somehow protect me from his next action. I was wrong, I always was…he is obviously stronger than me and easily pushes my hands away from my face and takes it as a chance to punch me, multiple times causing me to bleed. I continuously screamed till I felt both of my lungs collapse from the lack of oxygen, I screamed for my older brother Danny, I screamed for my younger brother Cal but just like all the other times, they were nowhere to be seen. Everything started to fade to white slowly then it turned pitch black, an annoying beeping sound could be heard in the distance. Just another bad dream…_

 _ **10:21 a.m.**_

I woke up breathing heavier than usual and numerous tear streaks running down in all sorts of directions on my face. It was just a nightmare…I was slightly sweating which made me groan in disgust but I guess it didn't matter because I had to take a shower anyway for work later. Looking over to my right there was already a small glass of water along with one dose of Zoloft waiting for me on my night stand. Looks like my mind knew I was going to have a bad dream last night. Taking the pill quickly I got off my bed and started gathering my work uniform for the day.

I had go to work in a little less than 2 hours. Now my job isn't exactly the greatest job in the world but, I needed the money to afford my apartment and help keep food on the table. I work at a slightly modern bowling alley down in Manhattan, not too far from where I live which was exceptional for me. I made my way towards my bathroom after gathering my work clothes and began to start up the shower.

2 hours pass by like seconds and I rush out of my door to head to work…

. . . . .

 _ **12:15 p.m.**_

Waking up to the sound of my iPhone alarm is definitely the most annoying part of my morning, the second is going to work but thankfully my shift at the records store doesn't start till 4. It's days like these where I'm not really productive and I have no problem with staying at home and watching TV all day but, I need the money and I'm surrounded by the genre of music that I love at work. Rock-classic Rock as in AC/DC, Aerosmith, Metallica, Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin and many more legends.

While walking towards my kitchen, I was able to take a glance at myself in the guest bathroom mirror; messy hair, black tank top with red flannel pajama bottoms…yep my outfit screamed "definitely going to slack off today" quite clearly. Opening up my fridge I see nothing but bags of left overs and an already torn up package of water bottles, I sigh as I close the fridge turning around to open one of my cupboards, in need of a cup for my regular afternoon coffee. Finding one I turned around setting my cup underneath the coffee machine. In the mean time I made my way over to my bathroom to take a shower before work started.

 _ **3 Hours Later**_

At my work we don't really have a dress code, just wear what you want as long as you show up and make them money. It's a good hang out spot in my opinion but, many seem to disagree.

Once I left my apartment I began walking towards the records store, I was an hour early for my shift because I wanted to spend some time looking at the new shipment of records that came in last Saturday. I was wearing black boots, black lightly faded skinny jeans, and a black hoodie if you haven't already guessed one of my favorite colors yet then you must be blind.

Walking in with my hands in my jacket I already noticed that the place was starting to get more and more busier by the days. I could count at least 10 people waiting or walking around the store once I entered, thank god a popular rock station shouted out the store recently.

I took my time walking around, looking at the shelves that held the recent record shipments. Already I recognized a few bands off the bat and a couple of other bands that I was completely unfamiliar with, they must have been some sort local band hoping to top the charts eventually, I gave 'em a go and placed the record in a record player that was placed in a corner along with couches that lined up around it.

After less than 2 minutes into the song I immediately stopped it. _Jesus fucking Christ that was awful,_ I already grabbed a different album that caught my eye earlier when I entered the shop. I threw the _dreadful_ record that I was just listening to in the garbage, I made a weird face in disgust, _Who the fuck names a band "The Death Monkeys,"_ at least you can say that I gave them a chance.

Since I've been roaming around for a while, by the time I got to the line there was hardly anyone. I stood there

 _ **Oooof**_

I stumbled..

"Watch where you're going asshole!" I spat as I glared at the person who bumped into me a second ago, it was a girl.

" _Excuse_ me?" she asked in a confused {raised} tone but before I had the chance to reply she had already darted out the door like a cheetah. I had a confused look planted on my face, I furrowed my eyebrows together… _Well ok then_

"Alex! Hey you're here a bit early" I snapped back to reality once I heard my name, one of my co-workers greeted me as I placed my item on the counter…

"Hey!"

. . . . .

I was on my late lunch break at work, there was a local records store nearby and I thought why not go just to kill over the left over time I have

Walking in I immediately was amazed at how well and nice the store looked. Shelves and shelves of different records, different genres, different artists, thousands of them. The place didn't even smell bad like a few others that I've been to. It was well lit and there was a seating lounge against the walls along with a record player in the corner, I assumed a lot of teenagers would hang out there listening to music...who wouldn't? Music was the only _escape_ from the real world…

I wondered around and I found 2 records that I ahd an interest in, I took my phone out and looked at the time

 _ **3:32 p.m.**_

 _Shit!_ I silently cursed to myself, I looked at the line and there was 4 people waiting behind a girl with dark hair…I only had 5 minutes before my break was over and had to go back to the bowling alley, looks like the records had to wait.

I sped towards the entrance, placing the records in their proper place as I walked. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings when…

 _ **Hmmmff**_

I stumbled backwards from the impact but, before I had the chance to say "I'm sorry" to the person I bumped into, the person spoke before I had the chance catching me off guard.

"Watch where you're going _asshole!"_ she spat angrily, my heart began twisting and turning and my stomach along with my mood dropped…

" _Excuse_ me?" I said raising my voice, ugh I had not time to deal with this. I probably had only 3 minutes to get back to work now so because of that reason I sprinted out of the store.

Thankfully I made it back in time because I would've had a golden ticket to my boss's office, he takes everything a little bit more serious than things need to be. I couldn't help myself but to think about the encounter I had at the record store, it made me sink down to their level…but it also made me think about what they said _"Asshole"_ …

I'm used to being called names, the list goes on but, for some reason this one was on my top 10 most hurtful ones. It made me feel _worthless_ , like the person told me what type of person I was before even getting to know me.

I felt a familiar urge beginning to make its appearance; I began starting to lightly scratch my left arm, going lower and lower by the second until I stopped at my wrists. I pulled my long sleeve down more and focused my gazed on the bowling pins that were getting knocked down one by one hoping it would keep my mind off things…no-it only made things _worse_ but I couldn't do this at work so I had to suck it up and mask my emotions until my shift was over…

 _ **10:14 p.m.**_

Want to do something scary? Go to bed early and be alone with your thoughts. It's been a repetitive pattern when it came time to leave work and go home. I walked in kicking my shoes off and immediately removing my shirt, standing there only with my bra and pants on. I ran my hands through my hair, sighing as I did so.

The same events that replayed in my head earlier at work started to come back into my mind; _Asshole…asshole…asshole…_

"ASSHOLE!"

I kicked the nightstand that was next to my couch in the living room, it already had multiple kick markings stamped all over it…forcing myself to remember nights like these. I nearly sprinted towards my room and once I was there I dropped to my knees sobbing. My throat tightened and it was getting more and more difficult to breathe, my chest began aching and my fingers started to twitch once my sobs slowly turned into silent screams. I felt myself transforming to my body 2 weeks ago when I was at my parent's house, I have no idea why I convinced myself that it would be some sort of closure if I went over there and talked to them…it went the exact opposite of how it was supposed to go.

Heat started to rise to a particular spot on my face to the point where it felt like boiling water was being poured on my face. I stood up, quickly rushing to my bathroom mirror only to see the reflection in front of me looking nothing like me. Bruises started to form and made their presence known, a busted lip also decided to join and as if that wasn't enough to cause me to have a severe anxiety attack, blood started to drip from my lips. I lifted my hand up and placed it on my mouth lightly then fixed my gaze on my hand, it was all covered in blood…so…much…blood.

I turned my back to the mirror and slid down to the cold tile floor, I looked back down at my hand and saw nothing…no blood-no nothing. The sharp pain in my heart came back to me in full force causing me to place my hand over it, my tears kept coming like a river it didn't seem like they were going to stop soon. I wanted all of this to _end_ so I could be **ok** for once but, that's something that you and I both know will never…happen…ever.

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 **A/N Hopefully this gives you a sense of what type of person Piper is. You'll see the way Alex is in the next chapter so sit tight. I already have the plots for chapters 2-6 but, for that to happen I need to know if you guys like the story !**

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	2. Voices

**A/N DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS…Grateful that you guys enjoy the story so far…I'm pretty happy with it myself. So happy OITNB won for best ensemble and with Uzo also winning. Alex's backstory won't be mentioned till the next chapter…that being said**

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Chapter 2

 _Where is that cheerful girl I used to know?_

 _I look in the mirror and it's like I don't even recognize myself._

 _I look so down and tired, I don't see that girl who was so happy so long ago._

 _What happened to the days I would smile?_

 _Where are the days that my heart wouldn't break?_

 _Where have I gone?_

 _I see that girl when I look in the mirror, but she's too far gone._

 _I can't bring her back to life, she's feeling too much strife._

 _I feel her inside me, but my depression won't let her come out._

 _I think the old me is gone without doubt._

* * *

" _Welcome back Piper, never gets old seeing you. In fact we've missed you." I sat there in an empty white room-no one but myself, like usual, never really surprises me like it used to._

" _Why does it feel like all I ever have left are you guys?" I said continuing the conversation._

" _Because_ _ **we**_ _are, no one else cares about you…making us the only thing that comforts you. After a long day of loneliness you always come back…finding us here" It's true, everything they were saying was spot on. No one cared and if they did it seems like I would always give them reasons not to. But I'm tired of them, I'm tired of always hearing_ _ **them**_ _,_ _ **I'm tired of everything**_ _and it's a constant feeling._

 _I begin to cry, I dread moments like these where it starts to become the only thing I do. Wake up from an awful dream, go to work, come back to my flat, then my emotions start to flow back in. I wasn't talking to anyone, not my_ _ **cruel**_ _family and hardly to the person I call my 'best friend.'_

" _I don't like it here" I whispered mainly to myself but, of course_ _ **they**_ _heard._

" _Yes you do…"_

" _I_ _ **hate**_ _you…I hate everything and everyone that makes me feel like shit" and it's true, I always hated the feeling of being useless but, that's what I am…that's what everyone says and I just want to keep everyone away from me as far as possible, that way I won't hurt anyone, right? All these emotions were running rapid in my body and I didn't like it one bit-nope not at all, I started to become angry-no I started to become furious, the blood in my veins began to boil…the temperature seemed to have raised in the small room, making my hands automatically clench into fists._

" _Come on, just a little bit longer…"_ _ **they**_ _were trying to persuade me now, which caused_ _ **them**_ _to only add more fuel to the fire that was my anger._

" _ **I SAID I DON'T WANNA BE HERE, LEAVE ME ALONE**_ _!" I screamed and at the right time a table appeared in front of me to which I then flipped over using my anger as the source to cause it to break into pieces. I kicked all the remains around the room, causing loud noises, the loudest being my own screams. My hair was a mess, there were several holes in my clothes created by yours truly, the salty wetness of my own tears covered my cheeks like an endless stream, and a headache started to make its presence known. My vision is blurred; nothing but voices and empty pale walls surrounding me. Then in a matter of seconds, the darkest moments of my life started to replay in front of me on the walls of the room like a movie, a movie I definitely didn't enjoy. I grabbed my head with both of my hands with full force slightly pulling some of my hair during the process as I began to scream even louder…_

" _ **MAKE IT ST-AAAHH-OOP!"**_ _I chocked on my own tears and snorted, sucking the snot that came dripping from my nose back in its original place, a memory of me at my parent's house was being shown on one of the walls right in front of me. It showed me screaming; **struggling** , kicking and __**bleeding**_ _continuously as my father brutally abused me… I lost it_ _as I said the next word._

" _ **PLEEEEE-AASSSEE!"**_ _My screams became more intense and even louder as more tears began falling down my cheeks and onto the floor. But, they didn't stop…I was forced to watch the videos that replayed my most dreadful moments during my entire existence being played all around me on all the surfaces of the squared room. All the_ _ **lies**_ _, all the_ _ **heartbreak**_ _…all the_ _ **abuse**_ _-all surrounding me. Everything was spinning, everything hurts…_ _ **everything hurts**_ _. Holes began to form the harder I kicked, the harder I punched the walls wanting so badly to make the video/memories stop, then…everything faded to white, then to pitch black…another bad dream._

 **9:26 a.m.**

I woke up still very tired and the dream/thoughts I had last night weren't exactly peaceful. I noticed this time when I woke up I wasn't disturbed by my alarm so that must mean that I woke up early. _So I have a couple hours to spare before work_ , I used this time to get out of my apartment knowing it would somewhat help clear up my mind. _Maybe some early coffee would help calm me down_. I left my complex looking casual nothing that would really turn heads (not that I even have the ability to do that anyway). My hair is down; wearing a pair of black skinny jeans that hugged my slight curves, a dark blue sweater, along with some black suede Chelsea boots.

Walks seem to be a great distraction from reality to me. Just letting my feet wonder freely and enjoy where ever it is they take me; a store, a park, a restaurant, and on some rare occasions, a house. Today my legs decided to take me to a local coffee shop, something I've been craving so much lately.

Once I entered there were only 3 people waiting in line, _thank god._ I didn't have enough energy in me yet to wait in a line for longer than 5 minutes.

I was next, I was going to order my regular coffee…I stood there waiting, then finally I was…well that was until I bumped heads with the person in front of me that just picked up their coffee and managed to spill it over my blue sweater. I winced in pain when I felt the _extremely_ hot liquid seep into my sweater making contact with my skin.

"Shit! I'm so-so sorry" I still have yet to look up to see who the person was that bumped into me, finally I managed to look up and make eye contact…it was the same girl from the day before in the record store.

It seemed like she hadn't recognized me yet, I hope…

Her eyes seemed to have widened when she took a couple seconds to look at me, _I think she remembers._

"I'm so sorry, I'll pay for your coffee and for whatever else you want. You okay?" she continued saying as she made her way back to the counter to grab napkins, _a lot_ of napkins.

"I'm fine" I mumbled, I tend to use those words quite often, like _really often_. People don't suspect anything and will take your word that you're "fine." She made her way back to me and handed me the napkins to which I took and began lightly dabbing the wet spot on my sweater.

"And you, don't need to buy me coffee-" I was cut off…

"No, it's my bad…I'm going to pay for it no matter what" she said in an almost like-demand. I didn't have enough energy, as I said earlier, to argue over a cup of coffee…that was split…well-on me. I proceeded on telling the cashier my regular order of coffee along with helping myself with a coffee cake-I mean the girl _was_ paying for it so why not help myself? Afterwards I made my way towards the front of the cafe to find a booth for me and this _girl_ to sit.

She made her way over to the table I was sitting at after getting our orders…

"We got to stop meeting like this" she said as she scooted to the other side of the booth with a sly smile on her lips.

"So you do remember me?" I asked as I took my coffee from her grasp along with my coffee cake, _gently._

"Yeah, our last encounter wasn't exactly-"

"Civilized?" I added in, cutting her off

"Well…um yeah" she took a sip of her coffee, as did I…focusing my gaze out the window on some store as I did so. She turned to see what I was looking at but, saw nothing causing her to have a confused look on her face when her gaze returned to mine.

"I'm sorry about that, you know?" she continued, I scoffed at the word ' _sorry'_ in my head, wasn't the first time someone said sorry about something but, didn't actually mean it. That word I guess you can say is dead to me. I just hummed whilst taking a sip of my coffee as a way to say it was 'okay' or my favorite, 'fine'.

"So what do you do for a living?" the brunette questioned…

"I wouldn't say it's what I do for a living but, it's my job. Not exactly the most exhilarating but, I work at a nice-well it's a slightly modern bowling alley, it's in between Manhattan and Midtown." I finished taking a piece of my coffee cake, putting it into my mouth and afterwards moved the plate the cake was on towards the girl that sat across from me, offering her a piece. She smiled at my gestured and gladly took up on my offer. Well she _did_ pay for it, after she took a piece I returned the same genuine smile she gave me. I shifted my gaze back to outside the window, simply being in my own little world, then I turned to look back at her after several seconds.

"So what do you do?...Besides spill coffee on strangers?" she cocked an eyebrow at me as she let a smile form on her lips and allowed her mouth to fall agape at my statement but, it seemed like she recovered quickly as she began speaking once again.

"Well, your job sounds like a _**dream**_ " she exaggerated, "But, if you must know…I work at that record store we had our first encounter at." She smirked…

"Really? Anything you like about your job? I mean like any benefits? The only benefits I get at work are discounts off of bowling games." She laughed at my rambling which was both a blessing and a curse (me always having the tendency to always ramble, not her). Her laughter was contagious and it was soon enough I started to join in for a good second before she spoke.

"I like the fact that it's a little cool hang out place, you know? It has that 70s vibe to it that I love. And ugh, don't get me started on the type of songs we play on the store radio, nothing but classic rock, to which I am in love with"

"And as for benefits, umm let's see…" she began counting on her fingers one by one as she listed several benefits that came with her job. "We can dress however the fuck we want" I both hummed and nodded whilst taking another sip of my almost gone coffee to show that I was listening…

"We can buy records at a discount but, between you and me…" she then began to lean over the table slowly to causing to make her statement even more dramatic, causing me to slightly smile, "everybody just takes them and _**poof**_ , their nowhere to be seen again."

"But, it's not like it matters anyway because my boss just sits on his ass all day eating donuts and whatnot."

"Then that settles it, your job is…officially better than mine" we both laughed in unison, it lasted for a minute or two before the laughter died down and we both ended up finishing the rest of our coffee along with the share of the coffee cake. I looked down at my phone checking the time, _**10:03 a.m**_. looks like a spent a little over an hour at this café with a girl who's' name I still don't know. We both stood up making our way to the front door, leaving our mess behind. Once we were outside, ready to take our own separate ways she speaks up…

"I-I never got your name" I thought she was never going to ask…

"It's Piper, Piper Chapman. And yours?" _aww look it's my Chapman manners kicking in_ I said to myself sarcastically.

"Well nice to meet you Piper, I'm Alex" she paused for a quick second, it looked like she forgot something, "Vause, Alex Vause" finally continuing.

"Well nice to meet you also, see you around? I mean it is New York."

"Yeah…see you around" and with that we both gave each other one final smile and went our separate ways. I was making my way back to my apartment to start getting ready for yet another boring day at my job… _yay_

 **. . . . .**

On my way back home I was thinking about the run in I had with Piper the first time I met her. And to be honest, she was right, I wasn't 'civilized' I mean-calling her an asshole without even knowing her was a low blow even for me.

When she was looking out the window, her sleeve fell down slightly…revealing about three scars that were in straight lines. I tried my hardest to push it aside and not force her to answer my question about how she got them. I'm hoping they were from some sort of pet or animal but, she never mention she has either of them. That's what worried me the most…was she okay?

When we bid our goodbyes, I honestly wanted to ' _see her around_ ' just to check up…without her noticing _hopefully_.

Once I was back in the comfort of my own home again, I spent the next 5 to 8 hours doing nothing but, cleaning, writing, drawing, and listening to music on my own personal record player. Today was one of _those_ days where I wasn't very productive, I just took my time doing things just to fill the rest of the day in and get it over with since tomorrow is Saturday…

 **9:43 p.m.**

I was sitting on my couch when my phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and saw that is was one of my co-works, Jonathon…I pressed 'accept'

"Yeah?"

"Hey Alex, the whole crew is over at The Little Branch bar. Wanna tag along?"

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of staying home all day and doing absolutely nothing but, I still have a lot of energy left in me. So, I accepted the offer.

"Yeah, I'll be on my way. See you in 10."

Once I ended the call, I immediately went to go get dress and eventually I'm making my way downstairs to hail a cab…

* * *

 **A/N sorry I didn't really include Alex's point of view but, the next chapter is about her back story so stay for that.**


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